the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
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Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I’m crying im so happy for them
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Pandas 🐼🖤
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal