Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
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The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
We found love in a hopeless place.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I think this cat is broken
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Order here:
More here:
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously