We found love in a hopeless place.
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Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Thoughts
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
excuse me
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY