God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
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Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
then why did i get this email
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story