me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
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4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Sunday
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Festive toon…
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.