Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
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At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*