Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
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*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.