My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
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INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*