CUTE CAT‼︎
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Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know