Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
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*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
anyone else like Italian cereal
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
my first dose meeting my second
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
My favorite female superhero
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red