My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
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Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
notice
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms