Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
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The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Truth
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Google assistant rules
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes