Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
You Might Also Like
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.