yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
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[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”