I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
You Might Also Like
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Current mood: Potato
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.