My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
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give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
This bar smells like my childhood.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳