STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
You Might Also Like
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
See..?
.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
So the ex texted me
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings