[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
You Might Also Like
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Tier 3 meme
The biggest mystery of our time
All. The. Damn. Time.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Beware of fowl play.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Straight people are cancelled
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us