The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
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Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry