*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
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Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*