and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
You Might Also Like
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
My what?
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils