“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
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[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice