#math
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My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.