[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
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LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
me logging onto twitter
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
New menu item
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.