I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
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not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.