me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
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Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Finally!
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.