it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
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“no gods no masters” = leo
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Eggs benadryl my favourite
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine