As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
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I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?