Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
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Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Everything reminds me of my ex
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!