Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
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Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be