Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
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Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one