sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
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[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Jail
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Get in loser we’re going crying
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
yall want some gasoline milk
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*