If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
You Might Also Like
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Peace was never an option
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!