You Might Also Like
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls