Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
You Might Also Like
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.