My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
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Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I’m literally crying
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me