The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
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My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Yes, this is exactly right
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
we’re gonna need another temp
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player