any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
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feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Sticker placement is key.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”