Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
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“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it