Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
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My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.