How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
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HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together