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[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.