My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
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I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
It do be feeling this way.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)