I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
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When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
The pen is writier than the sword.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!