Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
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me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Gemma Correll
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant