My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
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Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.