My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
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Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
uh oh
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.