Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
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RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks