Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
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[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.