Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
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me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.